Echoes of Another Life
by Avdal
Summary: There is a profound and crucial difference between sleeping with someone and sleeping next to someone. Aka: Post movie AU where everyone lives but Jyn has trouble adapting to her new life and sleep doesn't come easy for those with a troubled mind.


There is a profound and crucial difference between sleeping with someone and sleeping _next to_ someone.

This is something Jyn had discovered by chance. She hadn't been able to sleep at all after Scarif. Maybe little cat-naps here and there, but nothing approaching deep and stratifying.

"You look like absolute hell, Jyn."

If that observation had come from anyone else, Jyn would have snapped back with an appropriately biting reply. Coming from Cassian, though, meant that he was right and there was no point arguing about it.

"It's been a rough few weeks."

That's the only answer she has, but he nods. No need to summarize, everyone had started on a razor's edge of emotions. But now time was flowing by and it seemed she was stuck in stasis. When you're this sleep deprived, everything seems to move too fast to keep up with.

"So you're still having problems?"

He doesn't come out and say it directly, but she knows what he means.

"Sometimes."

Sometimes. All the time. It's been _weeks_ and now Jyn is too tired to sleep. There was a time she didn't even think such a thing was possible.

"And you?" she asks, frowning when he turns away. He'd taken the brunt of responsibility on his shoulders and for the life of her she'll never be able to understand why.

He shrugs and sits down next to her, keeping his back to her since it's as close to a comforting gesture as he knows she'll accept.

Jyn closes her eyes and enjoys the silence of his company. She can't sleep, maybe never will be able to again, but she can _rest_ like this. It's better than nothing.

* * *

Weeks would go by, and regular sleep was as illusive as ever. She'd still manage a few minutes at a time, but they were hardly peaceful. Not with a head too busy with the futility of what they were trying to do.

How is it that the others were coping so much better than she was? They were tired too, it was painfully obvious in their gaunt faces and darkened eyes, but no one else seemed to be as close to the living dead as she was.

Maybe that's why Cassian kept coming to her. He'd taken it on himself to make her better. Ironic, because he wasn't doing so hot himself. Quiet and withdrawn and the others were starting to talk. Pity mental healthcare had to be swept to the wayside during a war when people would need it the most.

He still came to her though, no matter how poor her mood and presence surely was.

This had become a ritual of theirs. Something they both held sacred even if they weren't ready to fully acknowledge that fact and what it might mean.

After every mission, together or especially alone, they would find their way to each other. No matter how exhausted they were -and as the war raged on it was getting harder and harder to be anything _but_ be nearly-crippled with weariness- they would always find a way for a few moments to just be together.

Things were still unspoken. This is simply what close friends and allies do.

Or maybe not. They wouldn't talk about it at all. This whatever it was between them.

In fact, Cassian would do almost all of the talking. She was too tired to hold up much more than a monosyllable of conversation, anyhow. What terrible company she must be.

Sometimes he'd ask her about herself. Try to get her to open up even just a little, but more often than not her patience would have been pulled tight by her ailing focus. You could only catnap for so long before it caught up with you, and then she would snap and lash out without thinking about it. Tell him to go and leave her in peace, even if she didn't mean a word of it.

He'd tell her that she didn't mean it and her pulse would spike.

Everything was so magnified by exhaustion. Every emotion and look and sentiment. He was so patient with her. Sometimes she wishes he wasn't.

He'd change the subject then, when she would push back as he got too close. He'd turn it around to talk about the future instead, even though who among them knows if there ever will even be a future or what it could bring?

They could die at any moment of any day. It was cruel of him to even mention anything to the contrary. Maybe he does it on purpose, out of pettiness to get back at her or blind and dumb optimism.

She falls asleep listening to his voice. He's so _calm_. It's odd. How can anyone be so calm? He quiets her mind, though, and it's reason enough to let him stay. He wouldn't keep seeking her company out, as brittle and short tempered as it was, if he wasn't getting something out of this for himself.

If she was thinking clearer, she'd call it symbiotic. Give and take in equal shares. But she's not thinking clearly, not at all, and now she just wonders why he bothers. She should tell him not to come back. Not to be spiteful, but she'd never asked him to be her caretaker.

She never does, though. And he's always gone when she wakes up, an hour or two or sometimes even three later into the night cycle. Sometimes she wonders if he does that on purpose, too.

* * *

Their latest mission had been a disaster. They'd lacked everything they'd needed: sufficient resources, detailed intel, and even a shred of good luck. They'd been lucky to make it out alive, once again nothing new there, but this time they'd had to leave empty-handed.

Such is the life of a rogue crew. When a mission goes wrong, it goes completely off the rails.

They had carted their limping, wounded asses back to their ship and hit hyperdrive at a breakneck pace. Everyone on board had a task except Jyn, who apparently was only good to them with a blaster in her hand.

"Don't let it get to you," Cassian tells her, encroaching into the invisible bubble of acrimony that she had been projecting. He should be off comforting someone else. Being useful and not trying to pick up the pieces of someone who doesn't want to be helped.

"I'm not upset."

"Yes, you are. You've got that look in your eyes that you do when you are."

Jyn tips her chin away and stares out the side viewport. Not that there's anything to see, but it annoys her how well Cassian can read her face.

And it infuriates her to no end when he sits down next to her, uninvited and only half-unwelcome. She much prefers to mope in private, and at least the others on the ship are willing to give her space to be miserable.

Cassian doesn't extend the same courtesy. He reaches out and from the corner of her eye she sees his hand hovering near hers. She ignores it and shifts away. A single finger taps across the knuckles of the tight fist she hadn't realized she'd been clenching.

"It's never going to get easier. You need to find-"

"You stare at me too much."

She doesn't need to hear any advice about what she needs. What she _needs_ is a good night's sleep. Or at least a decent night's sleep. Walking around half awake like this is making her a liability to everyone.

"Do I?"

Take the hint, Cassian. Take the damn hint.

His hand tries to wrap over hers and she jerks it away. Turns her head to glare at him and of course he's starting at her with that same unreadable focus that he always has.

He immediately recoils. Standing up too quickly and looking for all the world like a kicked puppy.

"Jyn, I'm- if you need anything..."

His voice trails off and he won't even look at her. She hadn't meant it, just… life is hard and she's reacting but not thinking.

He leaves before she can say that she's sorry. Jyn closes her eyes and tries to silence her mind and make it stop racing in a hundred different directions all at once..

She can't. It's like it doesn't know how to stop on its own anymore.

* * *

Things are tense between them for a while.

Surviving when you're supposed to be dead isn't easy, but as weeks turn into months, Jyn feels like she's finally starting to turn a corner.

She'd been getting better, little by little. The outlook of the war was as uncertain as ever, if not more so, but maybe she'd just needed to take her time to come back into herself.

One night before Jyn had finally gave in and took a sleeping aid. She's always been wary of the concept, afraid of how easily she knew she would get dependent, but enough was enough. Cassian didn't stay with her until she passed out anymore, and without him she was starting to slide backwards.

The tiny white pill created a hazy fog of unconsciousness. It was unpleasant, but it did the trick. She'd slept for most of the night for the first time in so long. At least now she could finally think clearly. Enough to realize that whatever tenuous status quo she has with Cassian isn't working for them anymore.

He still comes by every night, but after her cold rebuff of his attempts at emotional comfort from before he keeps his visits quick and perfunctory.

Maybe it's his way of telling her to get her act together. Momentum can only last for so long, and when its gone she needs to find a way to keep going on her own.

She misses his company and the odd, unspoken closeness they used to have. It was one of those things that she hadn't realized how much it meant to her until it went away.

So maybe it's time to rebuild that bridge. If something is wrong in your life… fix it. Find a way to fix it.

* * *

He doesn't come to her that night.

She knows that she hadn't been doing her share. Had become complacent on him offering up his own time and energy. The quiet moments they'd had talking about nothing really while she tries to simultaneously stay awake and sleep forever.

They're back on base now and the rest of the crew had tried to bring her into being a part of things. Integrate her into the complicated web of social interactions that kept them as such a tightly knit pseudo-family. Insomnia had made her an unreliable brat, but not one of them had stopped trying to bring her over. It was nice not to be given up on.

So she goes to their movie night. It seemed one of the safest and most low-key forms of socialization. A space where talking would actually be frowned upon, so they couldn't very well ask her any questions that she doesn't want to answer, could they?

All eyes are on her when she slides open the door, uncomfortably late and letting bright light into the now dark room because she'd spent the first 20 minutes of the show dithering outside or skulking along the halls as she tried to make up her mind about whether to go in or not.

Bodhi makes a space for her and she slinks in close, wanting to disappear into the wall. He's always been nice to her so she knows he won't have the indecency to ask her what the hell took her so long to get her ass out of her room.

Cassian isn't there. She frowns and looks around, before realizing that she has no idea if he even goes to movie night to begin with.

It hits her that she still doesn't know almost anything about him. He'd been doing all the talking and she'd been soaking it in, feeding off the sound of his voice but giving nothing back in return. That wasn't right. She should have done better. Been a better friend.

" _Are you okay?"_ Bodhi whispers. Why? Does she not look like she's okay?

She shrugs and gratefully accepts the drink he offers her. The movie is insipid, but at least with enough alcohol and a dark room she may be able to shut her mind away and drift off undetected.

* * *

Somehow, Jyn falls asleep against Cassian's shoulder.

Maybe she'd drunk too much or maybe it was the sleeping pill still in her system or maybe the movie was simply _that bad_. Regardless, she'd fallen asleep part way through and hadn't even noticed Cassian come in. Or sit next to her.

And she certainly doesn't remember tucking herself into his shoulder. Because, if she had, she would have just blamed the alcohol and not some off deep desire to apologize to him for being so selfish.

Words are hard, but a 'thank you for sticking with me' cuddle can say a lot.

What Jyn _does_ vaguely remember is Bodhi asking him where he'd been. And when he'd answered that he'd been looking for _her_ , she pretends to shift in her sleep to hide how she can't stop her smile.

* * *

Jyn starts coming to him. It's only fair; she has a lot of catching up to do.

She was sleeping better now. Naturally or enhanced, but it was getting better. And she really likes it here in his room. It's a somewhat bigger space than her own, in line with his rank, and he keeps it cool for Kay's sake. The uncomfortable metal box that served as her quarters was too near the engine room for her liking and the climate control was hinky. Leave the hot and sweaty nights for those lucky few in the crew with a more active social life than hers, Jyn just wanted to pass out forever in the cool and quiet.

"What are you even talking about?" Cassian asks with a slight lilt of amusement to his voice. It makes her sinking eyelids snap back open.

Had she said that out loud?

"Mhhhm, nothing," she pushes herself away from the bulkhead she'd been slowly slumping against.

Their relationship, such as whatever it was, was picking up again along with her improved efforts. They were back to being close friends and confidants, or maybe they'd always been and she'd been too sleep deprived to notice.

Insomnia can lead a person to poor decisions, like wanting to crawl into her platonic friend's no doubt pleasantly cool bed and telling him to sod off somewhere else for a few hours.

That would be rude of her. Pleasant and he'd forgive her, but still rude.

"Jyn?"

He sounds concerned. He's always so worried about her and she's not even his responsibility.

"I should probably get going." The last part of that melds into an unintelligible 'praw-ge-ging' sound as she yawned and tried to force herself to want to get up.

Cassian stares at her in curious silence for a long moment. Jyn's eyes start to drift down heavily again.

"You can stay longer, if you'd like. I don't mind."

He was done talking. Had been done talking for a while, apparently, but Jyn must have inconsiderately started to fall asleep to the sound of his voice again. Force of habit, almost like muscle memory now. And it's not fair that his room is so much nicer than hers.

If she slept in his bed, she'd surely sleep like a baby. Best sleep she ever had.

What an odd thought.

Jyn lifts her head to give him a polite goodnight nod but stops when she catches him staring at her in that way that he does. It's hard to say which of their cheeks color more as she hurriedly makes her excuses and leaves.

* * *

"I'm so tired."

"Isn't that my line?" Jyn asks, looking up from the schematics sheets in front of her.

Cassian smiles softly, but yeah, he looks exhausted. The flipside of how it had been for months and now he's down when she'd up.

The war had been going better. Going better because they'd been working harder. But she'd been stuck back at the base training new recruits while he'd been thrust right back into the front lines. Maybe the Rebellion still didn't fully trust her, but it wasn't right that he'd had to pick up the slack more than he already was.

Now they're on surveillance duty, spying on a target who was both of prime interest to the Rebellion's intelligence but also somehow living an incredibly boring and dull life. Which meant hours and hours of them sitting on their butts in a shuttle, ducking low whenever the prying eyes of a security droid came too close.

If they miss their mark's rendezvous with his suspected liaison, all these hours and hours of butt-sitting will be for nothing. But that doesn't mean they _both_ have to stay awake. In fact, it would be more prudent if they take turns at this whole bright-eyed-and-conscious thing, just for maximum efficiency.

Jyn reaches behind her and grabs her jacket. Wads it up and puts it like a pillow on her lap. Cassian eyes it then frowns back up at her. She pats on the center of the cloth structure, hoping she doesn't look as ridiculous as she feels.

"I'll wake you up in half an hour?" she offers.

He glances between her hands and face.

"Jyn? Are you sure?"

She knows what he means, but she also knows that he's not going to just come out and say it.

Instead, she yanks on his shoulder, pulling him down. He collapses stiffly, letting his head come into contact with her pillow obstructed crotch as the very final step of his decent. Oh yeah, nothing uncomfortable about this at all.

She wants to pet his head. Would it be weird if she pets his head?

"Half an hour, Jyn. Not a moment longer. And if there's even the slightest-"

"Yeah yeah, I'll wake you up. Now go to sleep."

It takes nearly twenty minutes before the muscles in his back and neck untighten. It takes another twenty before his breathing evens out enough for her to risk touching his hair. He doesn't move, flinch, or react when she starts to stroke it, but if she looks close enough she can see how the corner of his mouth is tilting upwards.

* * *

He's being sent away again.

This time it's for a much longer mission with an even more uncertain outlook. She should go back to her room and let him rest, but he he keeps finding ways to keep her here. New topics or rehashing old missions. That last part does little to put her worried mind at ease, but she tries to put on a good front for him

It's long past the start of quiet hours on the station, but acknowledging their upcoming separation isn't something either of them want to do.

"Can I sleep here tonight?"

She asks it without thinking. It's so late or so early that her mind and mouth aren't in sync with each other anymore.

Cassian shifts, abstractly playing his fingertips along the datapad he'd been reading to her. Some dry facts or statistics but she really hadn't been paying attention.

"You don't like your room," he states plainly. It's evasive, and she doesn't have to look at him to know what expression he has.

Ebbs and flows. Jyn had been planning on making a grander gesture tonight, and now when she's loopy and borderline emotional at the upcoming goodbye seems as good a time as ever.

"It's too hot in there, you know how it goes."

He does indeed know how it goes because she's been strategically bitching about the disadvantaged conditions of her room for quite a while.

He doesn't answer. Stares at a heading titled "recommended tactical gear" for so long she doubts he's even reading it anymore. But nevermind that, Jyn's done playing catchup with her feelings.

Without asking again, she turns and flops face first down onto his bed. The frame creaks and bounces, because they're on a budget and everything around the base is a little shitty in its own special way.

She kicks off her shoes, letting them land wherever they want to, and doesn't care how much of an undignified lump she makes as she shimmies across his mattress on her stomach.

"Jyn?"

Oh, he sounds amused. She really must look ridiculous.

But his bed smells nice because it smells like him. She buries her face in his pillow and wraps her arms over her head, blocking out the light.

"But… where am I supposed to sleep?"

She's glad Kay isn't here tonight to make any sort of observation. Or worse, a _recommendation_.

"My room's empty," she mumbles into the pillow, already starting to get drowsy and not caring if he can hear her or not.

"Your metal box room with the 'hinky' thermostat? How generous of you."

His voice sounds closer than it had before. She smiles into her elbow. Is it so terribly wrong to want a last snuggle before their next brush with probable death?

He stands there in silence. Maybe stoic silence, or maybe irritated at the bed stealer laying sprawled before him. Either way, she can feel him stand right above her.

A long and silent moment passes, then he huffs and steps back. Goes over to his closet and she hears him pull some things out before leaving the room.

* * *

Jyn wakes up to the pleasant dual sensations of warm skin and a steady heartbeat under her ear.

It takes her a few moments to put the pieces together. She'd been asleep. Dreaming deeply. Her first proper, natural sleep cycle in recent memory.

The light in the room is almost nonexistent but still somehow far too bright. The clock on the wall says they still have three hours. The arm around her tightens when she shifts to get a better look at him.

His hair is still damp from the fresher. She'd pretended to be asleep when he'd come back from his shower, but couldn't stop her soft sigh of relief when he'd crawled into the far side of his bed along with her instead of leaving to somewhere else for the night.

Now… now they're like two cuddling cats. Tangled up in the sheets and even if everything was strictly clothes-on, this somehow was one of the most intimate moments she'd ever shared with another person.

"Cassian?" she whispers.

A long pause. The tickle of stubble against her forehead.

"We're _supposed_ to be sleeping, Jyn."

"We are. This is a dream."

"Oh... good."

The arm pulls her tighter. There's a spot in the space between his collarbone and shoulder that her head fits perfectly. She wraps her top arm around his far side, completing the iconic couple's position.

"Cassian?"

The chest under her ears rises and falls. She can't tell if he's sighing or yawning.

"Jyn?" he grunts.

"You're going to come back, right? After tomorrow? You're not going to leave me a war widow?"

Another long pause, this one feeling stranger than the first.

"When the hell did we get married?"

His voice is rough with grogginess.

"Well, in some primitive cultures-"

"Go to bed, Jyn."

Obviously she is already in bed, but that doesn't let him dodge her question. She squeezes him, feeling how the muscle of his bicep compresses then snaps back.

This time it's definitely a sigh. She feels so much like the classic annoying girlfriend but it disappears when he kisses her forehead.

"So is that a yes?" she asks, trying her hardest not to giggle as his breath tickles her suddenly hyper-sensitive skin.

"Yes, Jyn," he definitely sounds like someone dealing with an attention starved child who's keeping him up when he's _just trying to sleep_. "I promise I'll come back."

No one in their situation can make such a promise like that. But it's nice to hear anyhow.

"Good. Because if you don't, I'm going to go right in after you."

He kisses her temple, slightly lower down on her face then the first time.

Neither of them sleep after that, but they both pretend to.

* * *

author's note:

Ah, my first Rogue One fanfic! You know what they say about first time on the slopes stay off the black diamond. Writing for a new fandom is always so scary and I didn't actually see the movie until quite recently because I was traveling when it came out and then I'd accidentally got spoiled on the ending and kinda really didn't want to see it after that.

Hope this came out okay? I'm doing a challenge for this fandom and I wanted to play around with an introspection piece to get a feel for the characters first. And there will always be a fluff ending. I can't not write this couple without a fluff ending. Because they deserve it.


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